January 2009


It appears a rather important game will be played on Sunday...

"It appears a rather important game will be played on Sunday..."

    Being somewhat of a sports nut, I have been pouring over the detailed reports, mountains of stats, player horoscopes, Nostradamos Prophecies, Vegas insider lines, wise guy tips and assorted rumors surrounding the upcoming Super Bowl XLIII Game, and I am officially ready to put my extensive knowledge on the line and predict the score for all the world to see. Gutsy? You bet. 

    My informed call?
    Pittsburgh Penguins 414 all out
    Ball State Cardinals 30 (5 points on technical fall)

    To my Amish readers, bet the farm on this one. It’s a lock.

    To my other readers, find an Amish person to wager with and learn proper crop rotation techniques.


     A despondent Bernard Madoff is reportedly on suicide watch.  He’s been trumped, by a mannequin.

    The magical Greek fishing cap that bestows instant Fonzie coolness to its wearer has finally surfaced and landed on the noggin of a mannequin working at a Beall’s Department Store in Port Arthur, Texas. The cap was owned by a deposed Nigerian prince and Bernie Madoff paid the prince’s lawyer $50 billion for the cool headgear (plus a few extra million for shipping and handling)… all to no avail. The mannequin received the surprise package yesterday and has refused comment on how the Greek fishing cap came into his possession. Authorities did not press the issue since the mannequin “looked so wicked cool we didn’t want to be pests or anything.”

Now that's coooooool! Aaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!!!!!  

      “This just isn’t fair,” said an angry Madoff, “I paid my good hard-earned money and I’ve got nothing in return. Nothing! I’ve lost everything I owned to a charlatan. There ought to be a law against these kind of shenanigans!” Madoff said as tears streamed down his face and mucus trickled from his furry nostrils, grossing out reporters and bystanders alike. “There oughta be laws against this,” blurted Madoff as ear wax leaked out of his audio caves. Reporters and bystanders hurled.

    Meanwhile, the mannequin has become an instant celebrity with people making pilgrimages to see him and bask in his utter uber-coolness. Some who have witnessed the mannequin in Greek fishing cap claim he is “even cooler than Fonzie was”, while others say the mannequin is “cooler than Potsie, Ralph, or Ritchie, most def, but maybe not quite Fonzie cool. Well, O.K., maybe Fonzie cool but not cooler.”

    Madoff yearns to travel to Port Arthur to see for himself but cannot travel due to his house arrest. Irony police are standing watch on him. The world exhales and life goes on.

    A breathless world quickens its pulse due to a lack of oxygen from not breathing properly, a lack of exercise, poor diet and circulation plus excitement galore. It seems all people of all nations want to know the whereabouts of the mysterious magical Greek fishing cap owned by a deposed Nigerian prince but recently bought for $50 billion (plus a few extra millions for shipping and handling) by notorious Wall Street flim flam man Bernard “Give Me All Your Money for Two Fistfuls of Bupkes” Madoff.

Where's the cap that makes its wearer as cool as Fonzie? Huh? Where?

Where's the cap that makes its wearer as cool as Fonzie? Huh? Where is it?

    Ex-president George W. Bush in Dallas is said to be anxiously awaiting delivery of this Greek fishing cap. Actor Henry Winkler in Hollywood is hoping for a surprise delivery of the same. Winkler’s been seen striking a Fonzie pose with his famous right thumb extended in the air, but without the Greek fishing cap, he is incapable of the legendary audible expression of Arthur Fonzarelli’s unique brand of cool. Pity, that.

    No one is sure if the cap has been shipped from Nigeria or not, and if it has, where it might be destined for delivery. The Nigerian Prince’s attorney, Amir “Skip” Mahdi, has disappeared with Madoff’s payments. Mahdi was last seen driving a forklift loaded with pallets of $1,000 bills and laughing uncontrollably at something or other. A joke he’d heard, perhaps?

    Meanwhile, a titillated world eagerly checks its mailbox (while giggling at the word ‘titillated’ because the world is quite immature). The stakes are high and the payout will be huge. Soon, one lucky individual could be sporting the magical Greek fishing cap and projecting coolness like penguins being shot from one of those t-shirt cannons you see at sporting events.

     The world is left to wonder if perhaps this Madoff Fonzie scheme hasn’t jumped the shark. Time will tell and tell well what time will tell when the story is told in all due time.

    The Lint Screen has just learned breaking news in the Madoff Fonzie Scheme.

    Bernie Madoff received a confidential e-mail this afternoon from the attorney representing the deposed NIgerian Prince in possession of a magical Greek fishing cap that makes its owner “as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli”— the same cap Madoff paid $50 billion for over a month ago. 

    The e-mail is printed in its entirety, exactly as received:

    “Deer Mistre Maodff Sir,

    Happy recive your money lately. Many doler bills to count, but I do and it do make fidfty bilon dolerz. Very good yes!!! 

    As promis, am soon to send the Prince hat to you for to ware and be lik Fonzee– aaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy that cool yes is vary cool!

    Prince wunders if he might  reqest a bit mor muny for postag to send hat. Mail is vary expensiv. Maybey only anuther milon or tu dolerz for stamp.

    Is good? Hope see muny frum you  soon so you ware hat soon tu!!!


    Amir “Skip” Mahdi, Atturny


    Madoff is reportedly franticly searching his apartment for spare change and has called Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick to arrange a meeting on a hot investment idea he has.

     In a startling development, it appears ex-president George W. Bush may have his sights set on wearing the Greek fishing cap de coolness from the mysterious deposed Nigerian prince.

     Unnamed White House sources have leaked the contents of the letter Bush left for President Barack Obama in the Oval Office. They are disclosed here in a Lint Screen exclusive:

Ex-Prez making play for Greek fishing cap

Letter reveals Ex-Prez making play for Greek fishing cap.

     “Dear Barack,

Enjoy your stay in Washington. I’ll be in Texas, spreading my Fonzie cool in my Greek fishing cap. It’s supposed to be coming my way real soon, baby. Aaayyyyy! Oh, by the way, next time you go shopping get some milk. The carton in the fridge has turned bad. Bye, W.”

     Bernie Madoff refused commenting on the story except to say he was seeking some new investors for a “can’t lose investment opportunity… all it takes is $50 billion.”

     $50 billion later, Mr. Bernard Madoff’s about as cool as a penguin on fire.

Ball cap? You call that cool? We call that pitifully pathetic!

Ball cap? You call that cool? We call that pitifully pathetic!

    The poor huckster is hiding the shame he must feel after being taken for $50 billion by a lawyer claiming to represent a deposed Nigerian prince who owns a Greek fishing cap with magical powers to make its owner as cool as Fonzie. Madoff paid the piper but has heard no music just yet.

   Now Madoff appears in public wearing a baseball cap, decidedly uncool headwear. Meanwhile, one imagines the legendary Greek fishing cap somewhere perched atop the skull on one cool hombre. One must get back to work, however, lest one lose hours imagining oneself as said cool hombre wearing the magical Greek fishing cap.

    “Why me?” said an anguished Madoff as he removed his stupid ballcap and rubbed his hair, “I don’t deserve this kind of pain and suffering.” He suddenly stopped, looked to his shoulders and cried, “No, not dandruff, too! Why does God hate me so?”

    Suspected con artist and lowlife scumbag, Bernie Madoff, is feeling victimized, and he’s none too happy.

Can this cap really make one as cool as Don Knotts?

Can this cap really make one as cool as Don Knotts?

    Madoff acknowledged he recently paid $50 billion to an attorney representing a deposed Nigerian Prince in return for the Prince’s Greek fishing cap that the lawyer alleged “makes its owner as cool as Arthur Fonzarelli (aka THE FONZE), on TV’s ‘Happy Days’.”  The magic cap has yet to appear.

    Madoff kept the transaction a secret for over a month, but finally admitted it to this reporter after persistent questioning, a brisk noogie on the noggin and rabbit punches to the kidneys. The Lint Screen broke the story worldwide on January 14th, since then, Madoff has been inundated with offers of other Greek fishing caps with alleged “magical powers.”

Taunting Madoff has become a sport

Taunting Madoff has become a sport

    One man is offering to sell his prized Greek fishing cap “that not only makes you cool as Fonzie, it makes you cool as Steve McQueen in ‘The Great Escape’ or Don Knotts in ‘The Incredible Mr. Limpet’.” 

    Another claims “Fonzie coolness with a hefty jigger of Brando swagger and Jagger jigger.”

    One purports to have “Arctic Fonzie coolness powers and mega-respect-garnering capabilities, a la Mr. C. in ‘Happy Days’ or Aunt Bea in ‘The Andy Griffith Show’.”

Is it cool? Is it a fool?

Is it cool? Is it a fool?

    “I feel like these people are trying to take advantage of me,” said a visibly distraught Madoff. “I spent $50 billion for a Greek fishing cap from Nigeria that never shows up, and it’s like blood’s in the water with these sharks circling me. What did I do to deserve this kind of shoddy treatment? Geez louise, I’m mister happy-go-lucky-go-with-the-flow-lend-a-helping-hand-to-my-fellow-man-que-sera-sera-whatever-will-be-will-be, and this is the thanks I get?! It’s not fair, I tells ya, not fair at all!” With that, Madoff spits on the ground and stomps a foot.

    If only Madoff had his magic Greek fishing cap, maybe then he could keep his cool. But it appears there is no forecast for coolness in Madoff’s future.

     Poor man.


Next Page »