monkeys


    I’m happy to report that on March 23, 2009, The Lint Screen had its 10,000th hit, meaning Lint has been served to over 20,000 eyes, providing some of those eyes are not covered in eyepatches. My blog stats report I have minimal readership among pirates, but I do pretty well with shoulder-perching parrots.

    10,000 hits in just over eight months– not too shabby. With any luck, the next 10,000 will happen in eight days.

    To get the ball rolling, here’s a classic TV spot that certainly deserves a good gander and some swing time:

    I’m sure when this spot originally aired it didn’t have that ugly url plastered on it. It’s crass– like putting a Pepsi logo on the Mona Lisa’s face. But still, ain’t those chimps something!

    Thanks for catching Lint. Please share the Lint experience like bad germs.

 

Where the TSA when you need them?

Calling all TSA personnel... ruby red crimson terror alert!!!

    Some people claim I have a weird obsessive vendetta against monkeys and chimps, as if I felt inferior to these hairy beasts because they can climb trees and fling poo better than I can (sure, they might have me on accuracy, but I think I can take them on distance).

    Look, I’ve got no ax to grind with our fellow primates, but I do have a couple eyeballs in my skull-cage and those optic marbles don’t lie. Just take a gander at this revealing photo and tell me how much you trust and love sweet, cute, cuddly Mr. Monkey!

    Note the pure evil flowing like lava on Vaseline from his beady eyes and scornful banana cream piehole. This monkey means business… and I don’t mean monkey business! I’m talking simian Jihad business!!! Chill, meet spine!

    Thank goodness the TSA is there to protect us, making sure these demonic critters don’t get through airport security with over three ounces of liquids. Be advised, people, be very advised, monkeys are not always our friends.

 

With a little help, I now see the light. All hail chimps!

With a little help, I now see the light. All hail chimps!

     Upon further review of my last few entries where I unfairly said completely asinine and unfounded things about chimpanzees, I wish to apologize to all of humanity and especially the cherished primate community.

     Chimps are great and noble and deserve praise for everything they do. They are our friends and should never EVER be questioned.

     They are also quite persuasive.

     In short, chimps are champs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Guess who wants your money?

Guess who wants your money?

     Doing a little investigative journalistic work, I think I’ve blown the lid off this whole Wall Street meltdown… and it ain’t pretty.

     Think about it: Wall Street lobbyists grease the palms of politicians who pass laws deregulating the banking industry so they can sell sub-prime loans to any jamoke with a pulse then take those risky loans and re-sell them to investors building a shaky house of cards that comes tumbling down so now they’re asking the government for a blank check to give the same hucksters who created the problem a nice payday so that they can skip off into the sunset with pockets stuffed leaving taxpayers with two fistfuls of diddly squat.

    So who’s at fault? Hmmm, they see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil…

 

Hey, what the heck! What the freakin’ heck!

Hey, what the heck! What the freakin’ heck!

     I don’t know about you, but I’m worried sick. This financial market meltdown is giving me the willies, and now I think I see the devious greedy paws of chimps on the taxpayer’s checkbook.

     Get a load of this: while Bernanke and Paulson are begging politicians for a big fat Wall Street payday, chimps dressed to the nines have been spotted in the crowd, hungrily licking their chops.

     Now I’m not usually an alarmist, but what if these chimps are behind the entire brouhaha? What if it was their clever plot to deregulate the financial markets, slash rates and make money easy to get, take on a ton of bad debt, fail miserably and then stick it to taxpayers to bail the banks out? Are chimps running Wall Street? Are we patsies, being played like a glockenspiel?

     Now some may think I’m out of line here, but I’m going to Brooks Brothers to see if chimps and monkeys are snatching up fancy duds.  Something stinks here, stinks to high heaven.

 

Is it a real cop, or an imposter? (Look closely)

Is it a real cop, or an impostor? (Look closely)

     They think they’re so smart, and maybe they are, but monkeys are often discovered posing as authority figures endangering life as we know it here on this planet many of us call “home.”

     Imagine being wheeled into the operating room and your last vision before drifting off to slumberville is a monkey behind a surgical mask, his clumsy fingers fumbling about the razor sharp scalpels on the surgical tray.

     Or picture yourself taking your favorite suit into the tailor shop for alterations, and the guy measuring your inseam suddenly begins throwing angry hairy-armed haymakers into your unsuspecting crotch.

     What if you were in church and the collection basket came your way and you noticed it was filled with banana peels–– then you see your pew consists of monkeys in their Sunday best! Holy is the moly!

     We must all be ever vigilant in unmasking these impostors and bringing them to public attention. If we do not, I fear our very fabric of life will unravel like some sort of unraveling thingy.

 

You're in for a verrrry long night!

BIG mistake–– you're in for a verrry long night, people!

1.  Monkeys smell like monkeys.

2   Monkeys rarely put napkins in their laps and never know the proper fork to use.

3.  Monkeys are picky eaters (especially when it comes to noodle casseroles).

4.  Ask a monkey to pass you something, nine times out of ten he’ll fling it at your head.

5.  Monkeys usually leave “markings” on the tablecloth, and you can’t ‘Shout’ them out.

6.  Monkey see, monkey do. C’mon monkeys, how about a little originality?!!!

7.  They’re poor conversationalists. If you mention evolution, monkeys shut down quickly.

8.  Monkeys are dessert hogs. Never try to get a bite of their banana cream pie.

9.  Monkeys won’t excuse themselves to go to the bathroom. They just go, go, go. Disgusting.

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