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No more getting 'whacked on the goof!'

No mo' gettin' whacked-out on the goof!

    You hear? John Mayer’s giving up the pot. No lie, seriously– I mean he Twittered it and everything so it’s like got2B true, right?

    I’ll bet the break-up with Jen was a wake up call for J-Man cuz I heard she was all P-Yode cuz he had time to smoke herb and Twitter his fans on his European tour  but no time to call his girlie girl, and you know how Jen gets when she’s not getting the attention she deserves so she was all like…

Toodles, J-Bird!

Toodles, Bong-Boy!

             “Whatever, John. Later, dude!” and I’ll bet John toked-it-up when he got the dump truck and he’s probably been on a maryjane bender ever since, huffin’ and puffin’ his heartache away and I guarantee he woke up one day and realized the best thing he ever had slipped through his guitar-pickin’ fingers and went up in reefer smoke and then I’ll bet he decided it was time to straighten up and put those naz doobies down cuz I mean come on, Jen?!!! He had Rachel (eat your heart out, Ross), and he let her slip away!

    Johnnie Boy, we’re talking Jen!!!! Hey, I’ll bet even Brad make Angelia wear a Jen rubber mask sometimes. No disrespect, Angie, but I mean, Jen!!!!!!!!!! 

    And you heard ’bout Madonna, right? She fell off her horsie the news said but that’s only half the story cuz the real scoopage is the accident happened while she was working to get herself another kid– but get a load of this– she was trying to buy that little girl from “Slumdog Millionaire” from the girl’s dad but some Royal Canadian Mounties heard the deal was going down and they came riding over to bust them and Madonna’s horse got all spooked and everything and threw the Material Girl to the

Oooopsie daisies!

Oooopsie daisies!

 Material World and she got all embarrassed and now is trying to blame her boo-boo on some paparazzi creepolla who was lurking in the bushes with long lenses and a guilty face. Bamm!

    And I’ve got it on very good authority Paris Hilton is thinking of upgrading her identity to Paris Ritz Carlton.

    How ’bout Paris Hampton Inn

    Bamm! You can’t make this stuff up.

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    I read somewhere “Ask and ye shall receive.” So, I’ve asked just about everyone I’ve ever met for $16 million and some cashmere socks. So far, no takers.

    However, in my “About da Blog” section of this website, I asked if anyone had pictures of squirrels dressed as blacksmiths. Lo and behold, someone did– a bright young man named Scott. Here’s the goods.

A squirrel's work is never done.

A squirrel's work is never done.

Who wants rabbit stew?

He's either a blacksmith or a dentist.

 

Horseshoes, anyone?

Horseshoes, anyone?

    Scott even tells the story of these intrepid rodents @ http://wookielove.blogspot.com/

    Thanks, Scott, you’re my hero de jour. Thanks worldwide interwebs, you delight me. If anyone else has some snaps of squirrels dressed as blacksmiths, fork them over and I’ll happily share them with the universe at large.

    By the way, anyone have $16 million and some cashmere socks to spare?

 

It appears a rather important game will be played on Sunday...

"It appears a rather important game will be played on Sunday..."

    Being somewhat of a sports nut, I have been pouring over the detailed reports, mountains of stats, player horoscopes, Nostradamos Prophecies, Vegas insider lines, wise guy tips and assorted rumors surrounding the upcoming Super Bowl XLIII Game, and I am officially ready to put my extensive knowledge on the line and predict the score for all the world to see. Gutsy? You bet. 

    My informed call?
    Pittsburgh Penguins 414 all out
    Ball State Cardinals 30 (5 points on technical fall)

    To my Amish readers, bet the farm on this one. It’s a lock.

    To my other readers, find an Amish person to wager with and learn proper crop rotation techniques.

 

Newman liked him some eggs.

Newman liked him some eggs.

     It’s a crappy day. The earth no longer has Paul Newman. Damn shame, that. 

     Newman had the looks, talent, humor, compassion, empathy, faithfulness, fearlessness and boundless energy we all crave. He was also generous and caring, helping unfortunate kids by donating millions in profits from the sales of his various food products.

     As an artist, he owned every scene he appeared in, not by chewing scenery but by being in the moment, enveloping his character in the story and occupying the human condition completely. Maybe that’s why everyone was able to relate to Paul Newman. He may have been better looking than us, but he was one of us. 

     Newman led a rich life. He fought in WW II, studied ‘the method’ with Lee Strasberg, did Broadway, burnished himself into pop culture through a series of unforgettable roles in classic films like “Hud”, “Cool Hand Luke”, “The Hustler”, “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”, “The Verdict” and many more. He fathered six children from two marriages (staying married to Joanne Woodward for over 50 years), lost his only son to a drug overdose, raced cars and was good enough to win, was politically active enough to make Richard Nixon’s enemy’s list (in some very good company), directed plays and movies, led workshops and throughout it all was generous and philanthropic.

     The man is gone but fortunately he left us pieces of himself to enjoy and explore. He also left us a spirit and joy to emulate. 

Thanks.

 

With a little help, I now see the light. All hail chimps!

With a little help, I now see the light. All hail chimps!

     Upon further review of my last few entries where I unfairly said completely asinine and unfounded things about chimpanzees, I wish to apologize to all of humanity and especially the cherished primate community.

     Chimps are great and noble and deserve praise for everything they do. They are our friends and should never EVER be questioned.

     They are also quite persuasive.

     In short, chimps are champs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Now that we own it, let's milk the sucker!

Now that we own it, let's milk the sucker!

     Last week, we American taxpayers bought ourselves AIG. I’ve never owned an insurance company, but I do have a few proposals about running our new enterprise:

  1. Let’s outsource for cheap labor in China and India.
  2. Let’s not insure any high risk people.
  3. Let’s continually raise premiums.
  4. If there are claims, let’s dispute them.
  5. Let’s hire an army of lobbyists to get politicians passing laws that favor us.
  6. Let’s pay ourselves great big paychecks with huge stock options and bonuses.
  7. If we do happen to get into financial trouble, let’s have some government bail us out.

 

  I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of politicians yammering endlessly about what they’re going to do about war, the economy, taxes, the environment, education, oil dependency, spending and so on–– when is someone going to come forward with the Monkey Helmet Laws this nation so desperately needs!"Please help save me from my natural enemy-- MYSELF!"

  Just look around and you see monkeys and chimps on unicycles, bicycles, trikes, Harleys, sidecars and other wheeled contraptions doing all sorts of dangerous stunts with nothing but a funny hat to protect their braincages. Sure, it’s fun to watch but it’s also criminal––someone’s bound to get hurt.

   If Bubbles takes a tumble, his gray matter gets a-jumble. Next thing you know, the poor fellow can’t tell a banana from a knitting needle and he knits a crappy sweater with two bananas. Is this what our forefathers wrote with quill pens on parchment paper for? I think not.

   Here’s my five on why we need to get some serious Monkey Helmet Laws on the books:    

  1.  Monkeys are not good drivers
  2.  Monkeys are their own worst enemy     
  3.  Monkeys are too proud to ask for our help    
  4.  Ever seen “The Wizard of Oz”? We don’t need flying monkey attacks!
  5.  Charles Darwin Fan Club membership will plummet
   Then again, there’s the “Planet of the Apes” defense for keeping things just the way they are. I think I know what Charlton Heston would want us to do.