Where the TSA when you need them?

Calling all TSA personnel... ruby red crimson terror alert!!!

    Some people claim I have a weird obsessive vendetta against monkeys and chimps, as if I felt inferior to these hairy beasts because they can climb trees and fling poo better than I can (sure, they might have me on accuracy, but I think I can take them on distance).

    Look, I’ve got no ax to grind with our fellow primates, but I do have a couple eyeballs in my skull-cage and those optic marbles don’t lie. Just take a gander at this revealing photo and tell me how much you trust and love sweet, cute, cuddly Mr. Monkey!

    Note the pure evil flowing like lava on Vaseline from his beady eyes and scornful banana cream piehole. This monkey means business… and I don’t mean monkey business! I’m talking simian Jihad business!!! Chill, meet spine!

    Thank goodness the TSA is there to protect us, making sure these demonic critters don’t get through airport security with over three ounces of liquids. Be advised, people, be very advised, monkeys are not always our friends.

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Guess who wants your money?

Guess who wants your money?

     Doing a little investigative journalistic work, I think I’ve blown the lid off this whole Wall Street meltdown… and it ain’t pretty.

     Think about it: Wall Street lobbyists grease the palms of politicians who pass laws deregulating the banking industry so they can sell sub-prime loans to any jamoke with a pulse then take those risky loans and re-sell them to investors building a shaky house of cards that comes tumbling down so now they’re asking the government for a blank check to give the same hucksters who created the problem a nice payday so that they can skip off into the sunset with pockets stuffed leaving taxpayers with two fistfuls of diddly squat.

    So who’s at fault? Hmmm, they see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil…

 

Hey, what the heck! What the freakin’ heck!

Hey, what the heck! What the freakin’ heck!

     I don’t know about you, but I’m worried sick. This financial market meltdown is giving me the willies, and now I think I see the devious greedy paws of chimps on the taxpayer’s checkbook.

     Get a load of this: while Bernanke and Paulson are begging politicians for a big fat Wall Street payday, chimps dressed to the nines have been spotted in the crowd, hungrily licking their chops.

     Now I’m not usually an alarmist, but what if these chimps are behind the entire brouhaha? What if it was their clever plot to deregulate the financial markets, slash rates and make money easy to get, take on a ton of bad debt, fail miserably and then stick it to taxpayers to bail the banks out? Are chimps running Wall Street? Are we patsies, being played like a glockenspiel?

     Now some may think I’m out of line here, but I’m going to Brooks Brothers to see if chimps and monkeys are snatching up fancy duds.  Something stinks here, stinks to high heaven.

 

Is it a real cop, or an imposter? (Look closely)

Is it a real cop, or an impostor? (Look closely)

     They think they’re so smart, and maybe they are, but monkeys are often discovered posing as authority figures endangering life as we know it here on this planet many of us call “home.”

     Imagine being wheeled into the operating room and your last vision before drifting off to slumberville is a monkey behind a surgical mask, his clumsy fingers fumbling about the razor sharp scalpels on the surgical tray.

     Or picture yourself taking your favorite suit into the tailor shop for alterations, and the guy measuring your inseam suddenly begins throwing angry hairy-armed haymakers into your unsuspecting crotch.

     What if you were in church and the collection basket came your way and you noticed it was filled with banana peels–– then you see your pew consists of monkeys in their Sunday best! Holy is the moly!

     We must all be ever vigilant in unmasking these impostors and bringing them to public attention. If we do not, I fear our very fabric of life will unravel like some sort of unraveling thingy.

 

You're in for a verrrry long night!

BIG mistake–– you're in for a verrry long night, people!

1.  Monkeys smell like monkeys.

2   Monkeys rarely put napkins in their laps and never know the proper fork to use.

3.  Monkeys are picky eaters (especially when it comes to noodle casseroles).

4.  Ask a monkey to pass you something, nine times out of ten he’ll fling it at your head.

5.  Monkeys usually leave “markings” on the tablecloth, and you can’t ‘Shout’ them out.

6.  Monkey see, monkey do. C’mon monkeys, how about a little originality?!!!

7.  They’re poor conversationalists. If you mention evolution, monkeys shut down quickly.

8.  Monkeys are dessert hogs. Never try to get a bite of their banana cream pie.

9.  Monkeys won’t excuse themselves to go to the bathroom. They just go, go, go. Disgusting.

 

Now let nature take its course...

Now let nature take its course...

   I was ecstatic to see this picture from a zoo in Thailand, which is just  east of Delaware, west of Iceland, this side of paradise.

   It has bothered me for a long time that so many monkeys are living  together in sin. While zookeepers may look the other way and  ignore their morals with a blind eye, I have never been able to.

   Sin is sin is sin,  and monkey flesh is weak.  Maybe I’m a prude, but I  think if you’re  going to share a cage you should  have a legally binding  document that  says you’re a couple and entitled to engage in  shenanigans (if both parties agree).

    Marriage is an institution all creatures should abide by, cherish  and  engage in to enjoy gifts of small appliances for going through  the act.

    Bully to these monkeys for doing the right thing! We all salute ye of high moral fiber and primate formal wear.

  I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of politicians yammering endlessly about what they’re going to do about war, the economy, taxes, the environment, education, oil dependency, spending and so on–– when is someone going to come forward with the Monkey Helmet Laws this nation so desperately needs!"Please help save me from my natural enemy-- MYSELF!"

  Just look around and you see monkeys and chimps on unicycles, bicycles, trikes, Harleys, sidecars and other wheeled contraptions doing all sorts of dangerous stunts with nothing but a funny hat to protect their braincages. Sure, it’s fun to watch but it’s also criminal––someone’s bound to get hurt.

   If Bubbles takes a tumble, his gray matter gets a-jumble. Next thing you know, the poor fellow can’t tell a banana from a knitting needle and he knits a crappy sweater with two bananas. Is this what our forefathers wrote with quill pens on parchment paper for? I think not.

   Here’s my five on why we need to get some serious Monkey Helmet Laws on the books:    

  1.  Monkeys are not good drivers
  2.  Monkeys are their own worst enemy     
  3.  Monkeys are too proud to ask for our help    
  4.  Ever seen “The Wizard of Oz”? We don’t need flying monkey attacks!
  5.  Charles Darwin Fan Club membership will plummet
   Then again, there’s the “Planet of the Apes” defense for keeping things just the way they are. I think I know what Charlton Heston would want us to do.